You've given the feedback clearly. You've been patient. You've said the same thing three different ways. And they still don't change.
That's not a communication problem. It's a psychology problem.
What Carnegie figured out.
Dale Carnegie was working with managers and salespeople in the 1930s and 40s. One of the patterns he documented -- long before behavioural science had a name for it -- was this: people do not resist correction. They resist feeling wrong.
The distinction matters. Feeling corrected and feeling wrong are not the same experience. You can correct someone in a way that preserves their dignity, and they'll take it. You can also correct someone in a way that makes them feel exposed, judged, or diminished -- and they'll defend the very behaviour you're trying to change.
Carnegie called it the instinct for self-importance. Modern researchers call it ego-threat. The name doesn't matter. What matters is that you've triggered it, and now you're no longer having a conversation about performance. You're having a conversation about identity.
What happens when you push.
Most managers, when they hit resistance, push harder. More data. More examples. A firmer tone. What this does is confirm for the other person that they're being attacked -- and that their defences are necessary.
The more certain you sound, the more certain they become that they need to hold their ground.
What actually works.
Carnegie's principle was simple: you cannot correct someone into changing. You have to create conditions where they want to change.
In practice, that looks like this:
Name what you've noticed without naming what it means. "Here's the pattern I'm seeing" lands differently than "here's what you're doing wrong." One invites a conversation. The other closes it down.
Ask before you tell. "What's your read on how that went?" often surfaces the same problem you were going to name -- and when they say it, they own it.
Leave them somewhere to go. The goal isn't to win the exchange. The goal is to make it possible for them to behave differently next time without it feeling like a defeat.
The hardest part of giving feedback isn't being honest. It's staying focused on what you actually want -- which is change, not acknowledgement that you were right.
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P.S. -- What's the feedback conversation you've had more than once without it sticking? Hit reply. That's the one worth figuring out.
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Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie | Lead with Impact Program
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