Halfway through your last hard conversation, you lost them. You didn't notice.
You prepared for days. You delivered every point clearly. They nodded, said "makes sense," and left. Three weeks later you learned nothing had landed -- they had been somewhere else the whole time.
What most managers do.
They watch their own performance. While the other person talks, they're rehearsing the next line, checking the mental script, managing their own nerves. Poker players have a name for this: playing your cards instead of playing the table. The most important information in the room isn't in your notes. It's sitting across from you.
What poker players know.
A tell is not a gesture. Crossed arms, broken eye contact, fidgeting -- on their own, these mean nothing. A tell is a deviation from baseline. The player who chats every hand suddenly goes quiet. The one who stacks chips neatly starts fumbling. Poker players don't read body language. They read change.
Here's how that works in your one-on-ones:
1. Establish the baseline. Spend the first two minutes on ordinary conversation. How do they speak when nothing is at stake? That's your reference point.
2. Track deviations, not gestures. A detailed person giving two-word answers. A talkative person going quiet. A skeptic suddenly agreeing with everything. The behaviour itself doesn't matter. The change does.
3. Name it, gently. "You got quiet just now. What's going on?" Said with curiosity, that one sentence can save the entire conversation.
Last fall I sat in on a feedback conversation between a team lead at a Kitchener software company and one of her developers. He answered every point with "yep, makes sense." Afterward she told me it went great. I asked her one question: does he usually answer in two words? She stopped. He was normally the most detailed talker on her team. The conversation hadn't gone well. It had gone quiet.
You can't read minds. You don't need to. You just need to notice when the person in front of you stops being themselves -- and care enough to ask why.
P.S. What's the most reliable tell you've learned to spot on your own team? Hit reply and tell me. I read every response.
Was this useful? Forward it to a manager you know.
If someone forwarded this to you -- Subscribe free at hardconversations.co
Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie | Lead with Impact Program
My Calendar Link
https://app.usemotion.com/meet/0mgjn47/meeting?d=15