Most managers prepare what to say. That's the wrong starting point.
You've been running the conversation through your head for two days. You know what happened. You know what needs to be said. You walk in ready -- and the whole thing lands wrong. They get defensive. You get reactive. Nothing gets resolved.
What most managers skip.
They prepare the message. They don't prepare the outcome. There's a difference, and it changes everything about how you show up.
The question.
90 seconds before the conversation starts, ask yourself this one thing: "What do I want this person to be able to do differently when this is over?"
Not what you want them to hear. Not what you need to get off your chest. What you want them to be able to DO.
It sounds simple. It isn't. Most people have never asked it before a hard conversation.
A couple of years ago I was working with a branch manager at one of the major financial firms. She had a senior advisor on her team who had been missing targets for two quarters. She'd been putting the conversation off for months. I asked her the question before our next session.
Her first answer was: "I want him to know this can't continue."
After sitting with it for a minute, her second answer was: "I want him to feel like he has a path forward."
Those are two completely different conversations. She had the second one.
The thing it prevents.
Without a clear outcome, hard conversations become about the speaker's relief, not the listener's clarity. You say what you needed to say. They don't know what to do with it. Nobody moves.
The question forces you out of the message and into the outcome. That's the shift that makes these conversations land.
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P.S. -- What outcome are you actually after in the conversation you've been avoiding? Hit reply. I read every one.
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Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie | Lead with Impact Program
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