Some conversations are hard because of what you have to say. Others are hard because of who you have to say it to.
You have been putting off a talk for weeks. You tell yourself it is the topic -- the missed deadline, the tone in meetings. But when you are honest, it is not the topic that is stopping you. It is them. The sighs. The way every piece of feedback turns into a debate. You are not dreading the conversation. You are dreading the person.
What most managers do.
They treat the two as the same problem. So they either over-prepare a script that a difficult person will take apart in ten seconds, or they avoid the whole thing because the person feels immovable. Both fail, because you cannot fix a personality with a better opening line.
What actually works.
Separate the two before you walk in.
1. Name the behaviour, not the character. "You have missed the last three deadlines" is a conversation. "You are not a team player" is a verdict about who they are -- and no one negotiates their identity with you.
2. Decide what is yours to manage. You can address behaviour. You cannot manage someone into being less prickly. Aim at the first and let go of the second.
3. Hold the standard, not the mood. A difficult person will try to make the talk about how you made them feel. Acknowledge it once, then return to the specific thing that has to change.
I coached an operations lead at a manufacturing firm in Cambridge who had a senior technician everyone found abrasive. She kept rewriting her feedback to soften him up. It never landed. The week she stopped trying to change how he was and named one behaviour instead -- cutting people off in the production huddle -- he actually adjusted it. The personality did not change. The behaviour did. That was the whole win.
A difficult person makes the conversation feel impossible. It isn't. You were aiming at the wrong target.
P.S. What is one behaviour you have been treating as a personality? Hit reply -- I read every one.
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Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie | Lead with Impact Program
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