"I'm just being direct" might be the most common excuse for harshness at work.
You know a manager like this. They pride themselves on telling it like it is. No sugar-coating, no dancing around. And their team walks out of every one-on-one a little smaller than they walked in. The manager thinks they are building a culture of honesty. They are building a culture of bracing.
What most managers get wrong.
They treat directness and harshness as points on the same dial. More honest means more blunt. Softer means weaker. So when someone flinches, they conclude the person cannot handle feedback. The problem is the dial does not exist. Directness is about clarity. Harshness is about carelessness. You can turn one up without touching the other.
The three-question test.
A few years ago I coached a team lead at a software company in Kitchener who called himself a straight shooter. His retention numbers said otherwise. I asked him to run every piece of feedback through three questions before saying it out loud:
1. Is it specific? "Your report missed the two client requirements we agreed on" is direct. "Your work is sloppy" is a verdict.
2. Is it about the work or the person? Direct feedback targets behaviour. Harsh feedback targets character.
3. Could they act on it tomorrow? Direct feedback comes with a next step. Harsh feedback just leaves a bruise.
His message barely changed. The specificity did. Six months later his team was asking for more feedback, not less.
Here is the line worth writing down: directness is measured by how clearly they understand you, not by how much it stings. If the sting is doing the work, the clarity is not.
Being kind and being clear are not opposites. The managers who handle hard conversations well do both in the same sentence.
P.S. What is the bluntest piece of feedback you ever received that actually helped? Hit reply. I read every response.
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Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie | Lead with Impact Program
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