"Rip off the bandaid."
You've heard it. You've probably said it. It sounds decisive. It is not a strategy.
When speed becomes the problem.
You have something difficult to say. A performance issue that's been dragging. A behaviour that's affecting the team. A role that isn't working. Someone tells you to just say it -- fast, direct, done. So you do. It lands like a brick. The other person gets defensive. Nothing shifts. And now the relationship is worse than before you had the conversation.
What the research actually says.
Speed is not the variable that matters. Preparation is.
Studies on difficult conversations -- going back to foundational work at Harvard and reinforced by what Dale Carnegie documented decades ago -- point to the same pattern. The conversations that land well are the ones where the speaker is clear about three things before they open their mouth:
What they observed, not what they concluded. "I've noticed three missed deadlines in the past month" lands differently than "you're not reliable." One is a fact. The other is a verdict. People can respond to facts. They get defensive about verdicts.
What their intention is. Are you trying to correct a behaviour? Protect the team? Preserve the relationship? All three? Knowing this before you start keeps you from drifting into lecture mode when things get uncomfortable.
When and where. Not in the hallway. Not right before a long weekend. Not right after a tense meeting. The setting is not a formality -- it signals how seriously you're taking the conversation.
The real courage isn't speed.
Ripping off the bandaid feels brave. But blurting something out without framing isn't courage -- it's discomfort avoidance wearing the costume of decisiveness.
Two minutes of preparation before a hard conversation does more than two hours of recovery after one that went sideways.
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P.S. -- What's a hard conversation you wish you'd prepared better for? Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.
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Troy Treleaven | Hard Conversations
Dale Carnegie Training | Lead with Impact Program
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